I just made out with a guy for $7.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
