Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
