my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
