just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
