just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
