Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
