Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am available for nakedness
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
