it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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