I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
