I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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