Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize