I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
