3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
