It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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