i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
