I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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