How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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