yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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