last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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