Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
