I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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