i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
