By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
That was before I lit my hair on fire
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
