you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
