He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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