You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
