Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
