dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
