I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
