Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
