so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
