Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
