matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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