I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
