Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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