I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
