dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i think i have two assholes
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
