there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
