It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
