I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
