It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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