im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There's always time for handjobs
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize