my phone needs a breathalizer
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
