how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
