i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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