Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You're like the curious george of whores
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
