Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
