So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
