I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
