p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
