i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
