Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
