He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
