sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
