I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
