If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
