were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize