this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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