I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
