My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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