i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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