he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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